If you’ve ever used a public restroom, this is for you.

I read somewhere that at this very moment and in this very breath, at least one molecule I’m breathing was also inhaled by Aristotle. Now that phrase is probably a lie, but it will be the basis for the next 500 words, so just roll with it.

Two things strike me about this phrase: the first being, who the hell chose Aristotle as their example? If I’m breathing Aristotle air doesn’t that also mean I’m breathing Julius Caesar air, or Alexander the Great air, or Alec Baldwin air?

Secondly and more importantly, doesn’t it also mean I’m constantly – and in great quantities – breathing in shit? I mean if little Aristotle molecules are floating around everywhere doesn’t the same principle apply for people’s mighty bowel movements? This brings me to my central point of the post: How in God’s name as a society have we accepted public restrooms as something fitting for civilized people?!

I’m not sure if we have just willfully ignored the indignity of the public restroom or if we have just shrugged our shoulders and said, “Screw it, when you have to go you have to go.” But please, take a second and just think about what’s going on when you open the door to that dingy Walmart bathroom stall.

First, I guarantee there is pee on the floor. There has never not been pee on the floor of a public restroom in a place where you can buy a gallon of milk. I promise you. Restaurants? Maybe they mop every once in awhile. But grocery stores? Department stores? And, God help me, gas stations? Pee everywhere.

So you waddle over to the toilet, splash around in the pee puddles a bit and drop your pants. You now have someone else’s urine on your pants. Well done.

Moving on to the next elegant stage of the process. You are now comfortably seated where 1,000 – nay -10,000 butts have sat, of all shapes and sizes. You would probably find it weird if I drove your car naked right? Probably gross, thinking about my ass in your front seat of the car. But you know what you don’t find weird? Letting 1,000 other men take turns sitting in that same car, right before you get your turn to put your bare ass in that car seat.

And let’s not forget our friend Aristotle! All the while this horror show is underway, you are just breathing in fumes so varied and so vile, that I can’t wrap my mind around it. Public restrooms are the biggest threat to America and I stand by that statement.

But that^s just me.

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