Brainfreeze and Stubbed Toe? R.I.P.

What’s the worst pain that you’ve ever experienced?

Giving birth? Passing a kidney stone? Finding out your middle school, “Girlfriend” was chatting with somebody else on instant messenger? Sure, all of those hurt like hell, but you’re wrong. There are two instances of pain so mind-numbingly devastating that I shudder just thinking about them.

  1. Stubbing your toe
  2. Having a Brainfreeze

In case you’re some weirdo from the Midwest and call a Brainfreeze something else, it’s what happens when you drink a milkshake too fast. It’s that searing pain in your skull that makes you question your very existence. It’s the, “Oh God, why me?” moment of agony that we’ve all experienced at one point or another. It could be the quickest role reversal in modern history – one second you’re enjoying a delicious frozen treat, the next you feel like Harry Potter when, “He Who Must Not Be Named,” is around.

If you think that sounds bad, try stubbing your toe. Seriously, if you don’t believe me go try it. No singular action brings about more seething rage within me than ramming my toe into a doorframe. I don’t even need to tell you what the worst part about stubbing your toe is though – it’s the pain delay. There’s about half a second before the pain starts, just long enough for you to mentally process the inevitable weeping soon to be thrust upon you.

So here’s a question for you: How long could you survive if you had to endure the pain of a Brainfreeze and the agony of a stubbed toe all at once? Let that thought sink in for a second. Allow the immeasurable pain to flood over you. So your head feels like somebody stuck a toothpick in your cerebral cortex and your toe stings like a plane landed on it.

Think with me about this scenario: Let’s say for every minute of pain you endure, you get $1,000 – up to 60 minutes. So you could walk out with 60,000 bucks for an hour of work. How’s that for a minimum wage hike? But how long could you continue living with that combination of continuous pain – a simultaneous Brainfreeze and stubbed toe?

I’d pass out instantly. Trust me on this one. I’d be all gung-hoe on sticking it out for an hour, and I’d be done before a second ticked off the clock. My brain would be screaming for my body to stick it out, and my body would be like, “Hell no!” Boom. 1 second. Done.

But that^s just me.

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