Can’t Make Friends? Blame the Cavemen

What did people with terrible vision do before glasses were invented?

Seriously? Have you ever thought about that? What a crazy thought. When I roll out of bed in the morning, I’m blind as a bat. I literally couldn’t do anything without my contacts or glasses. But glasses have only been around for like 800 years, so what did people used to do? I think they were happier. Think about this with me…they had no idea what their spouse looked like.

“But looks don’t matter!”

That’s what you’re probably thinking to yourself. Bull shit, I say. We all know looks matter a hell of a lot. Just ask people who use Tinder or Bumble – it’s a freakin’ blood bath out there unless you look like Brad Pitt, and even then you better have a clever bio or she’s not swiping right.

So what did Cavemen do who had terrible eyesight, but no glasses to help them see? Did they kill a lot of domesticated dogs thinking they were Saber-Toothed Tigers? Did they see their uncle layered with furs to protect against the cold, and shove a spear in his back thinking he was a Woolly Mammoth? You smirk, but I guarantee that happened at least once. And everybody just shrugged their shoulders when the guy stabbed his uncle in the back, “Oh, that’s just Igor, he can’t see worth shit.”

The Theory of Natural Selection says that each subsequent generation will be smarter and better suited to survival than the previous one. I don’t know if I fully believe that because I knew some real dumb asses in high school, whose linage should have been stamped out a long time ago.  But when you think about how that theory applies to Cavemen, shouldn’t all of the Cavemen who couldn’t see have died out?

On their own, yes. But they had help. In order to survive, they had to make friends who would help them hunt, move, and eat. They would have needed a lot of help, and so it would have been beneficial for them to make a ton of friends. Acquaintances to help them carry out daily tasks that would have been decidedly more difficult because of their poor eyesight.

Here’s my theory, not backed up by a shred of research or actual fact. It’s called The Igor Effect. This theory states that those of you alive today, who had Cavemen ancestors with horrendous eyesight, are better able to make friends than those who descended from Cavemen with 20/20 vision.  Boom. There it is, The Igor Effect.

If you’re a scientist who studies these types of things, and would like to share some research – which backs up my theory – please reach out. If you’re a scientist who studies these types of things, and would like to share some research – which contradicts my theory – just keep it to yourself.

So now you know, if you’ve always had trouble making friends, don’t fault your lackluster personality – blame The Igor Effect.

But that^s just me.

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